Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
