Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
