I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
