Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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