1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
