wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
