everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
