I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
