a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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