one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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