WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
