You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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