I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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