i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
