Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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