I hope mine doesn't look like that
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
