Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
how drunk are you?
Several
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
