Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize