my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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