im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize