ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
