you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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