Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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