Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I love having hate sex.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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