I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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