Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
