So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
