Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am one with the molecules
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
