Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
third nipple confirmed
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
