Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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