Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
