Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
