i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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