I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
