so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
