Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
