my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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