So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
be right there i have to get my cape
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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