We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
