So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
