Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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