Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
