i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
