I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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