i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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