I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
