There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
