Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
