It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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