My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
