my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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