after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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