The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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