Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize