so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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