Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
